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Dead a Long Time part two
Shopping List: forty pounds of fresh meat (beef, NOT pork). Forty-five pounds of ribs and other assorted bone. Having checked these items off of his list, just having purchased them from the Pathmart and which Wong now carries in over half a dozen packed bags, Strange considers the next items on the list. One pair jeans, one black T-shirt, one pair boots…
Shortly after, Strange, still clad fully in his sorcerer’s costume, walks through a general store, reading off the list while Wong pushes an already brimming shopping cart. One large tin of white pain. Lipstick, red. Wig, back. Glasses, dark. False teeth, he says, examining a pair. medium.
Later, in Doctor Strange’s mansion, the contents of the list are laid out on the stone floor, arranged in a manner reminiscent of a woman’s body. Regarding this sight, Dead Girl asks Strange if he is sure it isn’t pork. Rejoining that he is quite sure, he then asks what the difference is. She’s not going to eat it. Floating nearby and surrounded by spectral energy, Dead Girl replies that she doesn’t like the idea of sharing a body with a pig. Why share a body with anything, Strange asks back. They’re communing perfectly well as they are, man to spirit. Dismissing the doctor, she informs him that he has no idea what a pain it is shouting across the great divide. Besides, when she does business with a man, she likes to be able to kick him in the nuts. Fine, Strange relents, inhabit your new body then.
Without further delay, Dead Girl dives toward the meats and pieces, which begin to float around in the air. The meats begin to coalesce into the form of a torso, limbs and head, with the wig forming hair. As this occurs, Doctor Strange averts his eyes, by raising his cape over them. Noticing this as she continues forming her new body, Dead Girl tells the doctor that he doesn’t need to turn his head. Some guys get off on watching a girl dressing. Raising his eyes above the cape, Strange replies that he’s not some guy. Can say that again, she remarks.
The process finished, Dead Girl tells him so. Though clearly not quite human, Dead Girl now possesses a body, made of meats, blue jeans, a T-shirt, wigs, sunglasses and lipstick help to cover most of it, with the white paint coloring what is not clothed. Her arms are drumsticks, her palms steaks and her fingers sausages. Asked how she looks, Strange replies that he has gazed into the baleful orifices of Dormammu… but they were pretty compared to her. And her breath… Bad, she asks. An open grave, he answers.
The pleasantries over, Strange tells Dead Girl that he needs her help. Later, she quickly replies. She’s been dead a long time. She wants to enjoy being flesh and bone a little. Of course, he replies. Perhaps the smell of flowers? The gentle play of an evening breeze on her face? Regarding this with incredulity, Dead Girl produces a dry, right.
Some time later, Doctor Strange finds himself and Dead Girl at a bar, with him enjoying a glass of red wine and Dead Girl downing beers. Having had enough, Strange finally asks her his purpose: she wants her to go to Hell. Swigging down a mouthful of beer, Dead Girl replies that she thought he said that’s what this place was. Ignoring her sarcasm, he tells her that he means Hell. Hades, inferno, Gehenna. The somber land by the River Styx. Oh, Dead Girl replies innocently. You don’t need her to get him there. In agreement, he tells her that he wants her to go to Hell… and come back again.
Producing an “Ahhh,” Dead Girl tells him that that’s tricky. They don’t like tourists down there. That’s where she comes in, he replies. She’ll help him assemble a small band of heroes. Dead heroes. And with their help… they’ll deal with… the Pitiful One. Lifting her glasses to reveal her eyes, or her lack of them, she tells Strange that that’s a very stupid name. Who is he?
(elsewhere)
“If you must know,” the Pitiful one answers to the Anarchist, as they walk through a demolished shopping mall with dozens of dead, “I gave myself that name.” Pretty stupid, if you ask him, Tike replies. Continuing, the Pitiful One tells the Anarchist that he thought it was pretty fitting, for a guy who’d been beaten and humiliated so many times by so-called super heroes.
Nearby, Miss America regards the female mannequins, displaying the current fashion of women’s skirts, which are quite short. Calling back to their leader as she considers them, she tells the Pitiful One to change the broken record. She suggests they make the most of being there… She’s just itching to get at those stores. Now drawing the others attention to the skirts, she asks if that is what the living are wearing now. Uninterested in fashion, the Pitiful One tells the group that looting overpriced designer gear isn’t going to drag Doctor Strange to the bargaining table. They must focus!
As the Pitiful One stands by the exit door, Tike comes up behind Miss America, flushing his body with hers and cupping her bottom. You wanna make the most outta being alive, he asks her, Tike can help her. Disgusted by his actions, Miss America tells him to get his hand off of her, you ******! Hearing this, the Anarchist recoils in shock.
Opening he exit door, the Pitiful One instructs his compatriots to smile for the cameras of the reporters outside. Smile nothing’, the Anarchist cracks. Did he hear what this racist called him? Taken aback at this, Miss America defends that he had his hand on her derriere. You still can’t go around saying that to people of color, the Pitiful One informs her. Times change.
Suddenly, the reporters and police holding them back begin to fade. Realizing that this means they are returning to Hell, Kraven laments that it’s happening again. When Mysterio acts it anyone else feel sick, Miss America remarks that, with her, it’s more of a headache. Voicing his own thoughts, the Pitiful One suggests that they remember this Hell is what they’re working to be free of. For Good, and not just twenty-four hour passes.
Welcoming Strange and Dead Girl back to the mansion, Wong reports that master have many messages. Government want help with these dead guys, say the whole panic panic, they wanna negotiate. And, there’s a woman in Los Angeles who says she uses Doctor Strange’s magic anti-aging cream, now she look like burn victim and her lawyers sue… The usual, Wong, Strange replies, interrupting him. Tell them you know no one by the name of Doctor Strange. A day in the life of an occult master, mocks Dead Girl. How exciting.
Humphing at this, Doctor Strange approaches a framed wall painting and walks through, causing it to ripple like a disturbed pond of water. Following through it, Dead Girl emerges into the chamber where her body had been assembled before. There, in the middle of the floor, stands a three-legged stand, upon which rests a beaker of purple liquid. Referring to it, even before Dead Girl has completely entered, Strange instructs her to behold the fermented sweat of Morpheus. One sip of this liquid, he tells her, will render him temporarily dead. A little death, as it were.
Continuing, he tells her that his body will stay there, secure, in suspended animation. She will be waiting for him on the other side. Waiting by the entrance, Dead Girl folds her arms across her chest, and points out that they still haven’t discussed what’s in all this for her. Apart from the satisfaction of doing good? Strange asks. To this, Dead Girl dryly states that he knows if he laughs too hard her body’s likely to fall apart.
All right, Strange relents. She’ll have a chance of being alive again. Oh, she’ll still be Dead Girl, but she’ll be Dead Girl in the land of the living. Asked how he is going to swing that, Strange replies that he is about to let her in on a secret. The marvelous secret of how the dead live again. Why is it that some super heroes – and even some villains – die… only to be reborn? What mystical process is at work? Asking her own question, Dead Girl inquires why does it always seem to happen to the popular ones?
Walking down the hallway of paintings, Wong carries a tray of tea and cookies, accompanied by a single rose. The world is blue… like an orange…, he says to himself. Approaching the painting in question, Wong takes a moment to regain his stoic composure, and then presses his torso through the portal. Emerging on the other side, Wong begins to ask if master and mistress will be wanting tea and biscuits, but stops himself as he takes stock of the situation. Strange lies prone, though some distance over the floor, his cape lying downward, perpendicular to his body. Meanwhile, the former body of Dead Girl is now in its component forms. Viewing this, while still only halfway inside, Wong allows an exasperated “Oy” to escape his lips.
In a library in the realm of the dead, Moira MacTaggert sits at a table with Mockingbird and Gwen Stacy. With a book tucked underneath her chin, Moira announces that she hereby convenes this meeting of the Dead Sisters’ book club. Has everyone read this week’s title?
Funny how we cling to terms like week and day, Gwen Stacy begins, when they don’t exist there. Guess they’d go loopy if they didn’t. Stretching herself out across the table in near boredom, Mockinbird , still in her costume, states that she almost went loopy trying to read the book. Who chose Ulysses? Death is too short.
Och, dismisses Moira, play the game, Mockingbird. After nice Mr. Joyce spent all that time writing the whole thing from memory for them. “Ineluctable modality of the visible,” she means, Mockingbird adds.
Looking around, Gwen asks where Dead Girl is. Just like her to skip the difficult books. Oh, she’s fine with the Chick Lit… Interrupting, Mockingbird says she doesn’t believe for a minute that she read War and Peace. Actually, corrects Dead Girl, appearing from nowhere, she flirted with Count Tolstoy and got him to give her the gist of the plot.
Changing the subject, Dead Girl tells her three friends that she would like to introduce a new friend. Pushing past Dead Girl, the tree females are fascinated with the sorcerer. Where have you been hiding this gorgeous creature, Gwen asks. He could put salt in my porridge any day, remarks Moira. Can I touch him, Mockingbird asks. A little?
Moving between the three and Strange, Dead Girl excuses her three sisters to Strange, explaining that he’s the closest thing they’ve seen to a real live man for ages. Now speaking to the girls, she tells them to lay off. He’s hers. Turning to Strange, Dead Girl adds that it’s in a totally non-sexual, non-possessive, easy come, easy go kinda way, of course.
Trying to change the subject as quickly as possible, Strange and stammers a request for her to ask them if they wish to join them. Right, Dead Girl says. Turning to the three girls, she informs hem that they’re on a recruiting drive. Then they’re going to the lower depths, where some of the condemned types have been causing trouble. Asked by the incredulous Gwen that they want them to go with them, Strange concurs behind the safety of Dead Girl, explaining that she would be in Dead Girl’s team, while he advances with his dead super heroes.
The lower depths, asks Mockingbird to Dead Girl. Honey, it’s nasty down there. She takes that elevator, and she’ll never come back. Aye, agrees Moira. It’s easier to go down than it is to come up again. Defending the offer, Dead Girl reminds Mockingbird that she spends all her time whining about having nothing to do. This is her chance for action. Unless she’d rather stick to her book-clubs for the next ten millennia.
First, Strange interrupts, trying to salvage the situation, he needs to gather his heroes. Does anyone know where Ant-Man is? Upstairs, Gwen answers, still trying to get near the sorcerer, cleaning the carpet probably. Say they do help him, Moira asks, what do they get out of it. Hearing this, Dead Girl suggests to the doctor that he tell them about the secret. Agreeing, Strange asks the threesome to remember Colossus. Remember how he died? Thoroughly and indisputably dead. So how is it… that the same Colossus now walks among the living, with warm blood pumping through his living heart?
Some time later, in another section of the realm of the dead, Strange and Dead Girl find themselves is a spacious series of corridors. On each block of wall are three doors, with no label of any time. Unsure of where to proceed, Dead Girl calls out to whom they seek. “Ant-Man!” she yells at the top of her voice. Eyeing the place, Strange asks Dead Girl if she thinks her dead sisters will help them. Probably, Dead Girl answers. If it means being close to him, “oh sexy one.” To this, Strange offers only a stammering “Y-yes.”
Suddenly, one of the doors opens, revealing a man in a yellow costume, with white wings from his temples. Without prompting, he informs the two visitors that his nurse said he could play with his model soldiers. That’s cool, Robert, Dead Girl replies. Has he seen Ant-Man around? Receiving only a slammed door, Dead Girl guesses not aloud. When Strange inquisitively repeats the name Robert, Dead Girl informs him that he is Robert L. Frank, also known as the Whizzer. When Strange suggests that perhaps he will help them, Dead Girl informs him that he can hardly help himself. Some of these guys’ brains turn to peanut butter after a while.
Suddenly, a clip-clopping noise fills the air, causing Strange to forget about the former World War II adventurer. A moment later, a white-clad figure appears from around the corner in a cloud of dust and riding a pure-white horse. Recognizing this individual, Strange asks Dead Girl for confirmation. The Phantom Rider? Receiving an affirmative uh-huh, he finds it interesting.
Rather than stopping, the Phantom Rider charges by Strange, quickly picking up Dead Girl and pulling her onto his equine without even stopping. Not missing a beat herself, Dead Girl introduces the Phantom Rider by his name, Carter Slade, to Doctor Strange, to which the Rider replies with a “howdy.” Calling out to the quickly departing Rider, Strange informs him that he’s looking for heroes to fight a bloodthirsty gang of villains. A quick pull back on his horse’s reigns stops the Rider abruptly, which has the added affect of throwing Dead Girl forward and onto her back. Tipping his hat back at the sorcerer, the Rider asks if he means… a posse?
Climbing over a giant fiber of carpet, the diminutive Ant-Man calls out to the towering Dead Girl that he can’t help her. There’s so much to be done there. Does she have any idea how many monsters lurk in this one carpet? Come on, Scott, Dead Girl begs. Help them and there’s a chance he’ll get to b alive again.
In response, Ant-Man defends that he never should have died. Does she think he would’ve been killed if he hadn’t had a size issue? Uh, oh, he then announces, noticing an approaching flea. Here comes another one! Wasting no more time, Strange picks up the finger sized Avenger by his costume. Pointing forefinger at him, he tells Ant-Man that he is bigger than this.
A young black boy enters a hospital room, containing a bedridden old woman, with an IV drip inserted into her. Calling out to her, as Gran’ma, he asks her if she is awake. Leaning in closer for a better look, he repeats in a more quiet voice. Gran’ma? Suddenly, the old woman’s explodes in a horrific sight, her flesh scattering like fallen leaves.
Running outside, the young boy sees other horrific sights. Three white men hold a fire hose at full power, using it to spray three black people. Nearby, two dog handlers approach, their canines snarling with fury. Suddenly, tiny plant shafts, which have begun to grow into cotton plants, begin to wrap around the boy’s legs. Shaking them off, the boy begins to run. However, the hospital corridor has vanished and he is now running through a field of cotton, in which several slaves stop picking the crop long enough to watch him racing. However, the boy comes to a dead stop before a burning cross, which is accompanied by a host of Klan members, dressed head to toe in white robes… Next seeing a burning noose, the boy lets out a weak and stammering “N-No…”
Wracked by this, the dreaming Tike Alicar curls in a fetal position, his face contorted in pain. Crouched next to him, Miss America remarks to the others that he’s having a bad one. “Leave him!” orders the Ancient One, joining the Pitiful One’s group in the land of the dead. If he’s awoken to suddenly, the Ancient One warns, he could be plunged into an even lower depth of Hell. Now turning to the Pitiful One, the sorcerer asks if he might have a touch of his crème du profundis.
Taking the green substance, the Ancient One wipes a little on the lips of the Anarchist, who begins to stir. Grandma! Alabama! The Crosses- O-oh, the crosses! Gently touching the Anarchist’s knee, Miss America wakes him up, telling him to take it easy. It’s over now. Crouching nearby, the Pitiful One asks Tike how long it lasted. Removing his goggles, the Anarchist replies that it felt like it all went on for about ten years. That’s not so terrible, the Pitiful One replies. He once experiences two hundred years; subjective time of the Thing sticking his head down a toilet.
Replacing his goggles and rising, Tike counters that he shouldn’t even be this low. He did good when he was alive. He was a hero. He was on Letterman. In reply, the Ancient One informs Tike that he has tried breaking the rules of life and death. The higher powers take a dim view of such actions. “An’ who are you,” Tike asks back. “Ol’ Man River?” He’s the Ancient One, the Pitiful One explains. In explanation to this, the old sorcerer adds that he was the mentor of Doctor Strange… before their paths took different courses.
Looking around, Tike sees Miss America sitting nearby. Angrily, he asks her what she is doing there. He told her he didn’t want to see her racist face no more. Defending herself, Miss America replies that she is sorry. What she said was awful words that just came out. It’s been explained to her how things have changed, for the better. Leaning in toward Tike, she promises him tat the next time he places his hand on her butt, she’ll just punch his nose, and won’t say a racist word. Hearing this, Tike reluctantly guesses that that’s progress…
Changing the subject, the Pitiful One tells Tike that the Acient One has bad news. It seems his old protégé, Doctor Strange, is out to stop them. But he has a weakness… While he searches the afterlife for heroes, his body must remain in he physical plane. Spoiling for a fight, the Anarchist states that he heard of Strange, a B-lister. They gotta be able to handle Strange.
Elsewhere, Strange and Dead Girl stand on a remote plain, accompanied by the Phantom Rider, who rides upon his horse and Ant-Man, who rides upon the brim of the Phantom Rider’s cowboy hat. Surveying the desolate horizon, Strange notes that he can’t see anything. There’s nothing there. That’s the way he likes it, Dead Girl explains. No distractions. Peering down from the brim of his hat, Ant-Man tells the Phantom Rider that he’s very sensitive.
Still waiting, Dead Girl tells Strange that this ain’t easy to say but… it seems like she’s been dead an eternity. And being with him… it’s like it’s the first time for ages that she’s felt anything. Yes, Strange agrees. And since he’s been with her, he hasn’t given one thought to his hemorrhoids. Jesting at this, Dead Girl notes to Strange that he’s a little out of practice with this soft stuff, ain’t he?
Suddenly, Ant-Man yells out an alarm. There he is! Just a short distance away, Guy Smith, formerly known as Mister Sensitive floats in a cross-legged position, lost in meditation. Calling out to Guy, Dead Girl tell him that it is she. His back still to her and the others, he tells her to go away. Undeterred, Dead Girl presses. She tells him that there’s trouble. They’re getting together to fix it. It’ll be like the old days, X-Statix. Remember? A memory stirred, Guy asks where Tike is. In somber reply, she informs him that he is in the other place.
Trying to get Guy’s attention, Doctor Strange leans in, introducing himself. Rather than reciprocating, Guy launches himself at the sorcerer, yelling that he doesn’t need a doctor! Who says he needs a doctor! He hates doctors! Though he has Strange at his advantage, lying on top of the surprise man, Guy’s attack is halted by the words of the Phantom Stranger, who hold a white six-shooter at his back. Easy, partner, the Rider tells him. That’s the sheriff you’re manhandling.
In the realm of the living, Wong leaves a 24-hour deli, taking advantage of the late night service. With a bag in one hand, he walks down the sidewalk with his mobile phone in the other. I’m sure the Baxter Building would present an interesting challenge, he tells the person on the other line, but his life with Doctor Strange is one long interesting challenge.
His decision made, Wong tries to end the phone call, but it is ended for his, when a group of hands cover his mouth and pull him into a darkened alley. The hands belong to the Pitiful One’s group, who quickly subdue him. Snarling with both his teeth and a knife bared, Kraven the Hunter tells their prisoner that they know he works for Strange. He’s going to take them to his body.
Noticing Wong’s ethnicity, Miss America point out to the others that he’s Chinese. Is it alright to hurt him? “You can hurt him all you want, Madeline,” the Pitiful One informs her. “Just so long as you don’t call him names.”


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Provide a full summary of the comic book.

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Dead a Long Time part three
Standing before the president of the United States in the Oval Office, the Pitiful One reminds the president of the sudden appearances during a Major League ball game in Yankee Stadium by the Anarchist and Miss America, both known to be thoroughly dead, which led to foreseeable panic, chaos and death. He also reminds him that Kraven the Hunter’s bloodthirsty exploits led to similar, if not more revolting scenes on Wall Street… and the biggest crash in the market since the 1920s. This, he tells the president, is just the beginning.
In reply, the president holds up a bathtub rubber ducky and informs the Pitiful One that Mr. President can’t hear him. His name’s Ducky Wucky. Rolling his eyes, the Pitiful One replies of course and asks Ducky Wucky to forgive him and tell the president things will get worse. They can’t be killed, because they’re already dead. They can’t be threatened, because they’re already in Hell. He then instructs Ducky Wucky to tell the president he has to agree to their terms. They want life.
Grabbing a golf club from a golf bag propped against the Resolute desk, the Pitiful One continues that there’s one man alive with the occult skills to bestow upon them the joys of the living. And the president’s going to help them find him…
Elsewhere, in a small room in great disrepair, Wong hangs upside down from a non-moving ceiling fan, his hands tied behind his back. Crouching slightly to hover over his prisoner, the Ancient One asks to be told where is Doctor Strange’s body. Though clearly wounded from his interrogation, Wong refuses, replying that he musn’t tell. Standing behind Wong, Mysterio checks his watch and notes that it’s twenty-three hours and countin’. Their time in the Land of the Living is almost up.
Suddenly, the Pitiful One enters the room and asks if they’ve had any luck with their prisoner. To this, the Ancient One replies that Doctor Strange obviously cast an occult spell, making Wong impervious to physical pain. When the Ancient One then asks about the president, the Pitiful One reports that he told him, through his official aide-de-camp Ducky Wucky, that all available manpower, police, National Guard, boy scouts for all he knows, will be searching Manhattan. As soon as they find Strange, they’ll hand him over to them.
Replying “excellent” and returning his attention to Wong, the Ancient One notes that it was he who taught Strange how to leave his mortal body behind, how to have a small death. He suggests they do the same with Wong. To this, the Pitiful One asks the Ancient One if he can do that. He means, he’s a shade… a ghost. To this, the Ancient One replies that he might be dead but he is still the Ancient One, master of all occult arts, teacher of Strange and a real tough guy when he needs to be. Drawing his attention to Wong as he caresses his head with his long-nailed fingers, the Ancient One states that he wants to take this Chinese gentleman to Hell…
Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Mister Sensitive is incredulous. Hell? Tike’s in Hell? Addressing him by his first name of Guy, Doctor Strange replies that he’s afraid so. But why, Guy rejoins. He wasn’t all that bad. A loose cannon, maybe. Cynical, yes. But is that enough to get you damned? Dead Girl’s matter-of-fact reply of “guess so” causes Guy to become even more exasperated. Shrugging his shoulders, he remarks that they should see some of the specimens around this place. He caught Richard Nixon playing golf the other day. Nixon’s in Heaven, Tike Alicar’s in Hell. Explain That!
Shrugging herself, Dead Girl counters that life’s not fair. Why should death be? Slightly calmer, Guy notes that Dead Girl and Tike had a thing going, didn’t they? Before… the end. Ignoring the question, and not noticing Strange’s bemused look upon hearing the inquiry, Dead Girl places her hand on Guy’s shoulder and tells him that, if he helps them… he might get promoted out of there… then he can help Tike out of the hole he’s in… Chiming in, Strange adds that, if Tike continues to keep such bad company, he’s bound to slide even deeper down.
Turning away, Guy remarks that Strange makes the whole mysterious wonder of Heaven and Hell sound like a game of Snakes and Ladders, to which Strange replies that it’s as good a metaphor as any. Turning back to Strange, Guy asks how does he get promoted? Who gives you promotion? Curious herself, Dead Girl turns to Strange and inquisitively calls him “Doc.”
No one actually gives it, Strange replies. But sometimes… through a mystical process of osmosis… through the will of the people… if an individual is missed or wanted back badly enough… all the laws of physics are broken. Logic is turned on its head. And the dead live again. His eyes now filled with hope, Guy asks if he will get to see Edie. Edie Sawyer? He’s looked all over for Edie but can’t find her… Now he knows that Edie can’t be in Hell.
Meanwhile, in Hell, Mysterio kicks Wong down the flight of stone steps toward the group’s chamber. His hands tied behind his back and his feet bound, Wong falls forward, coming to a stop on the floor. Gesticulating with glee, the Ancient One tells the group that they have dragged their prisoner through the pit of imaginary scabs. The dungeon of sexual inadequacies. And the halls of boredom. And still he won’t break. With piercing eyes, the Pitiful One examines the terrified Wong closely and wonders aloud if he is human.
Ignoring the question, the Ancient One tells his pitiful counterpart to wait. With an outstretched hand he conjures a puff of smoke in which an image of Dead Girl, Guy Smith and Doctor Strange begin to appear. Spying the trio, the Ancient One announces that Doctor Strange gathers his forces… while his mortal body lies in the living plane… his spectral shade moves ineluctably through the land of the dead… and gets closer…
Unfazed by the news, the Pitiful One replies that Strange’ll never have the stones to come this far down into Hell… He knows these hero types… fundamentally lazy and gutless… As he disperses the scrying smoke, the Ancient One counters that he shouldn’t be so sure. He suggests that the Pitiful One dispatch Kraven and Mysterio to go watch the baleful elevator shafts of Gehenna. Further, noting that without the crème du profundis they have no way of traveling to the land of the living, he reiterates that Strange must be stopped. It must not be left unguarded. Come, Pitiful One, he then says. They must attend to his erstwhile student and his pale little helper.
Speaking to Miss America, whom he addresses as Madeline, the Pitiful One asks if she hears that. She stays home and looks after the makeup. Miss America begins to object to the apparently sexist remark but the Anarchist tells her not to worry. He’ll keep her company. Give her time to show him how sorry she is for being a racist. Reformedracist, she corrects. Interrupting the two, the Ancient One tells them that he thinks the sooner they find his erstwhile pupil’s mortal body the better…
Elsewhere, Guy, Dead Girl and Doctor Strange make their way across the barren landscape of the afterlife. Guy asks Dead Girl if she’s sure Edie isn’t in Hell. Dead Girl replies that with some women… part of their being in heaven is having no men around. Maybe that’s why he could never find her. Gesticulating in frustration, Guy rejoins that Edie liked men. Sometimes she liked them too much.
Interjecting, Strange opines that if Guy helps them… maybe they can help him find her. Pivoting to Strange, who had been walking a short distance behind the two, Guy suggests that Strange find Edie Sawyer… and then he’ll join Strange’s team. Before Strange can respond, Dead Girl places her hands on Guy’s shoulder, telling him that her dead sisters can search for Edie… while they go after the Pitiful One. As Dead Girl then walks over to Strange, Guy closes his eyes and smiles to himself. “Edie Sawyer. My beloved Edie.”
A short distance away, the diminutive Ant-Man tugs on Strange’s boot, trying to get his attention. After making his way to his shoulder, Ant-Man whispers into Strange’s ear, asking if this Guy Smith is worth all this trouble. There are a lot of other dead heroes around there, he adds, and he’s never even seen Guy with a vacuum cleaner in his hand… He means, how’s Smith gonna react when a really big carpet bug comes his way? Resolute, Strange crosses his arms and replies that he’s banking on Smith controlling Tike Alicar. He used to be the Anarchist’s team leader.
Suddenly, Ant-Man spies the Phantom Rider approaching from the horizon and launches himself into the air, yelling in glee. As Ant-Man runs toward the approaching Phantom Rider, Strange leans toward Dead Girl and remarks that, to be honest with her, he’s a little worried about the state of Ant-Man’s mind. When Dead Girl points out that he’s a doctor and asks if he can do anything about it, Strange quips with a question, asking if she means apart from praying to mighty Vishanti?
A moment later, the Phantom Rider halts his horse by the two. Addressing Strange as “sheriff,” the Rider reports that he’s found another member of their posse. Name of the Piano Player! So introduced, a redheaded youth leaps from behind the Phantom Rider. Wearing neither a shirt nor trousers, the man is clad only in boots, trunks (adorned with a musical note), a conductor’s coat and a domino mask, all in black. The necktie he wears is also black, or at least half of it. The other half, segmented along its length, is fashioned like the keyboard of a piano. All smiles, the Piano Player waves his white gloved “jazz hands” and in a playful manner repeatedly asks them not to shoot him.
From behind, the Phantom Rider informs Strange and Dead Girl that that’s his tagline. “Don’t shoot the Piano Player,” geddit? Ain’t he th’ rootin’ tootinest? Gesticulating differently, the Piano Player summons a piano keyboard in mid-air and asks if anyone would like a tune. Ragtime? Classical? Modern jazz? Replying not right now, Doctor Strange returns his attention to Dead Girl, noting that he thinks they should get moving. Which way is down? Grinning slightly, Dead Girl replies that she thought he’d never ask.
In the lower levels of Hell, the Anarchist and Miss America sit on a dilapidated and unadorned single bed. His head in his hands, the Anarchist notes that Hell’s cold. It’s painful… or it’s boring. It’s… oh, it’s Hell. Sitting a short distance away, Miss America replies that he’s right, it’s awful. She shouldn’t even be there. She was the nation’s sweetheart. To this, the Anarchist replies that he was his nation’s sweetheart. Slowly and methodically, the two begin to inch closer to each other, wondering if two people like them can’t make the eternities of despair a little easier to swallow…
A moment later, the two are locked in a deep kiss. The moment after that, however, the two separate violently, trying their best to spit out the horrific taste in their mouth.
On her feet, Miss America notes that that really, really hurt. Agreeing, the Anarchist adds that it stunk too. It made him wanna throw up. Realizing immediately what it means, Tike laments that the one good thing that people like them might find to make their time in this awful place more bearable… and it’s turned into something painful. And stinky, Miss America adds.
Taken with an inspiration, the Anarchist glances below the bed and spies the container of crème de profundis. Considering it, he tells Miss America that there’s plenty of that magic clay left… she and he could have themselves a vacation in the land of the living. Miss America reminds Tike that they’re supposed to be guarding it, not stealing it. They’re in Hell, baby, he responds. What can they do to them?
With this, the Anarchist grabs the small, corked pot. However, before he can move to uncork it, Miss America moves to stop him, knocking it from his hand and following it up with right cross to the Anarchist’s chin. Upon recovering, the Anarchist is incensed and powers up his acid from his hands. A moment later, the battle is joined.
Sometime later, both combatants are exhausted, Miss America laying her head on the Anarchist’s chest. Grinning as he enjoys the aftermath, Tike remarks that that was… intense. Agreeing, the smiling Miss America adds that it was almost as fun as… kissing. “Wanna go again?” the Anarchists asks.
Elsewhere in Hell, the Pitiful One watches as the Ancient One attempts to push Wong down a chute. Struggling as he does so, the Anarchist remarks that he really had to pull some strings to get Wong in there. But it should finally break him. Noting the industrial nature of their surroundings, the Pitiful One asks what this place is. The Ancient One grins at this, remarks that the Pitiful One does well to tremble like a girl. Wong has entered… the Hall of Self!
With that, the Ancient One pushes Wong through the chute and into the shaft. A few moments later, Wong lands with a thud. Immediately he is greeted but someone who states that he’s been waiting for Wong. Jean-Paul Satre was all wrong, the man states. Hell isn’t other people. Demonstrating his meaning, the man crouches down to the ground and thus Wong’s eye level, allowing him to see that Wong’s newest tormenter… is Wong himself.
Meanwhile, Doctor Strange and his group (including the Piano Player) are packed into an elevator, operated by Harry Osborn. “Going down,” Osborn states. When Strange begins to whisper into her ear, Dead Girl confirms the elevator man’s identity. Poor guy’s fallen on hard times, she whispers back. It’s really not polite to stare and whisper. Smiling at this, Strange remarks that he’s glad to see that decent manners are maintained down here. Make the most of them, she rejoins. When they get to the lower depths, bad etiquette will be the least of their problems.
High above in the elevator shaft, Kraven the Hunter eyes the descending elevator containing his unwitting prey below. Speaking to Mysterio, who is above him, Kraven proclaims that he’ll tear out their carotid arteries; Mysterio will clean up after. To this, Mysterio remarks that Kraven really does belong down here…
Inside the descending elevator, Strange asks Dead Girl to listen. It’s going to be dangerous from now on… there’s a real chance none of them will return from where they’re going… Amused, Dead Girl tells Strange that he’s such an irrepressible optimist. That’s what she loves about him. Considering her choice of words, Dead Girl corrects that she didn’t mean literally. She means, in a manner of speaking.
When Strange replies with nothing more than an odd look, Dead Girl asks what that’s for. He’s not putting a spell on her, is he? Amused, Strange replies that he rather thinks she’s the one who’s put a spell on him. When Guy Smith mentioned that she’d had a thing with Tike Alicar, he felt it. A twinge. A stab in the heart. Incredible as it seems, he… he thinks he w-was… Je… je… “Jelly?” Dead Girl tries to guess jokingly. “Jealous,” Strange corrects.
Suddenly, the roof of the elevator is ripped apart by Kraven, who leaps down into battle. He is followed by Mysterio, who announces that the Pitiful One sends his greetings… The Phantom Rider responds first, firing his revolvers into the air from the back of the horse, declaring their attackers “Injuns.” Second to act is Ant-Man, who attempts in vain to break the domed head of Mysterio with his fists. Ignoring the two, Kraven makes his way to Guy and spins him around with a right cross.
The Piano Player next tries to act and creates his keyboard in the air. However, halfway into his first verse of “Ebony and Ivory,” he receives an accidental kick in the chin by the Phantom Rider’s bucking horse. Within a moment, Strange is by the Piano Player’s side, joined by Dead Girl. Regarding the immobile youth, Strange asks Dead Girl if you can be killed down here. And if you’re killed, what happens to you? However, rather than answering his question, the visibly smitten Dead Girl repeats Strange’s earlier word. “Jealous? Of Tike and me?”
Spying Kraven attacking from behind her, Strange asks Dead Girl to excuse him one moment. “So polite,” Dead Girl mutters to herself. Extending his fingers, Doctor Strange invokes the power of the weird Watoomb and generates a multi-colored dome surrounding himself and Dead Girl. Back, barbarous fellow, Strange orders their attacker. Smiling, Kraven mocks that the Ancient One said his powers would not be so great in the land of the dead.
Shocked at the mention of his old master, Strange drops the forcefield, causing Kraven to fall on his face. However, Kraven recovers quickly and delivers a right cross to Doctor Strange, which is followed by a kick to Kraven’s face by Dead Girl. Immediately, Dead Girl tries to help Strange back to his feet, only to pause as she notices an odd energy effect in the air. She asks Strange what that stuff is, but Strange does not know. It’s nothing to do with him.
Guy Smith, however, recognizes it and declares that he’d recognize that teleportation matter anywhere! A moment later, the matter coalesces into a spiral portal through which steps Edie Sawyer, known in life as the X-Forcer named U-Go Girl. A short distance behind her, Edie is followed by Moira MacTaggert, Mockingbird and Gwen Stacy. Ecstatic, Dead Girl calls to Moira, amazed that she found U-Go Girl. Aye, Moira replies, and she wouldnae believe where!
Still holding the portal open but not stepping through, Edie calls to them all to hop in. This elevator’s getting crowded. Without delay, all of Strange’s group leaps through, though Strange himself has to be dragged. As Dead Girl pulls him in by the hand, he asks herto wait… he needs to hear about the Ancient…
A moment later, they are all gone and Kraven, who had been in mid-leap to follow through the portal, falls on his face. Marveling at the manner of their quarries’ exit, Mysterio remarks that that’s some party trick.
Meanwhile, in the land of the living, Wong pleads for his non-present master to forgive him. He is draped over the shoulders of the Ancient One and the Pitiful One and held before a wall painting in Doctor Strange’s mansion. Speaking weakly, Wong recites the incantation. “The… the world is blue… like an orange…” With that, the wall ripples like a wall of water and the three make their way to the chamber inside. Within moments, the Ancient One hovers over the prone but floating body of the sleeping Doctor Strange. “Ah, Stephen…” the Ancient One gloats. “You always did have a vulnerable quality.


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Dead a Long Time part four
In an inner chamber within Doctor Strange’s mansion in New York’s Greenwich Village, the Ancient One revels in his prize: the unconscious, helpless body of his former pupil, Doctor Strange. Regarding it as it floats horizontally a few feet above the floor, the Ancient One announces that this is great! Doctor Strange’s mortal body! And it’s all theirs!
Standing a short distance away, the Pitiful One asks what do they do now. Smash his skull in? Tear his heart out? Incredulous, Wong crouches a short distance away and sarcastically asks all to behold the courageous man threatening a corpse. In reply, the Pitiful One kicks Wong in the face.
Ignoring the two, the Ancient One works a spell, creating a glow surrounding Strange. As he assumed, he announces, Strange has not left his corporeal form entirely unguarded. He is protected by the shield of the sacred Seraphim. Then asked by the Pitiful One if that means they can’t hurt him, the Ancient One replies that they can certainly hurt him. They can hurt him very badly indeed. It just might take a little time.
The Pitiful One reminds the Ancient One that they only have twenty-four hours each trip… then they gotta go back to Hades. Replying that he knows, the Ancient One replies that he knows how it works. He too searched for the mystical mud known as Eau du Profundis. There is no reason to fear, though. He was once Strange’s teacher. Any spell he can make, the Ancient One can break. Grabbing Strange’s floating body and hefting it like a board, the Pitiful One rejoices that that’s what he likes. A little self-belief. To this, the Ancient One rejoins that they’re both dead. It they don’t believe in themselves… who else will?
As they walk through the wall portal, dragging Wong behind him, the Pitiful One asks if they can they lose the physics. And can they work on the stiff someplace else? This old house gives him the willies. Once back in the hallway, the Pitiful One maliciously uses Strange’s stiffened body to knock a statue off of a pedestal. In tears, Wong can only watch in abject gloom.
Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Doctor Strange grabs his head in pain and exclaims. Dead Girl is quick to come to his side, wondering aloud if his trousers are pinching, but Strange denies this. He explains that he thinks his personal problem must be flaring up again. When you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, he tells her, you don’t need to cross the River Styx to know what Hell’s like.
Suddenly, Doctor Strange takes in his surroundings, which seems to be an immense room, filled with a maze of cubicles and constantly raining sheets of paper. Where in the name of Kalumesh are they, he asks. Moira told her he was looking for the Pitiful One’s address, U-Go Girl explains. So she brought him to the level of dead bureaucrats. You get a lot of bureaucrats down in Hell. Everything he needs to know about everyone in Hell can be found in these floors but…
Interrupting, Guy tells Edie that he thinks they should talk. In a minute, she replies. She’s busy right now. Returning her attention to Doctor Strange, the bureaucrats and the rain of paper, U-Go Girl admits that the filing system is thoroughly insane, of course. They then begin to move deeper into the maze of cubicles, with Edie asking what’s so important, but again Guy interrupts. Turning to him with apparent rage, she yells to Guy that if he doesn’t stop sniveling, she’s going to teleport away and never see him again, does he understand?
As Guy runs away in tears, Edie returns to the side of Strange, who returns to the subject of the filing system. You need inside help to find anything, Edie explains, not missing a beat. Chiming in, Dead Girl remarks that hopefully that’s where her dead sisters came in.
Interrupting the three, the Phantom Rider (still sitting on his horse) asks Edie to excuse him, but he reckons her boyfriend’s done gone crazier than a five-wheeled wagon. Edie looks toward where the Rider is pointing and sees Guy turning the corner as he runs away. Hands on her hips, Dead Girl remarks that Guy was never quite this sensitive when he was alive. Running her hands through her hair, Edie rejoins than it’s one of the reasons why she couldn’t stay with him. She’d better go after the poor puppy. If he gets lost in this labyrinth never find him. As Edie runs off, Dead Girl tells Strange not to worry. Things tend to go loopier the lower you get. If it starts making sense, it probably means they belong there.
In short order, Edie finds Guy sitting on the floor against a cubicle, his head lowered as papers rain down around him. Crouching next to him, Edie apologizes to Guy for shouting at him like that. No, he replies, he deserved it. If only he could stop being so pathetic. Raising his head to look at her through tear-filled eyes, Guy asks that he was stronger when he was alive, wasn’t he? He knows he was too sensitive but… he was tough too, right? He was a leader? Taking his cheek in her hand, Edie replies that he was magnificent.
It’s ironic, Guy continues. He’s physically less sensitive in the afterlife. He means, her fingers on his bare skin doesn’t send him into a paroxysm of agony like the used to. But emotionally? He’s looking at Mister Jelly. That’s why he was sniveling. He was so happy to see her and… and he didn’t want to lose her again… “Guy, sweetheart” Edie replies, “You’ll never lose me.”
Now smiling, Guy asks if that means she’ll stop ‘porting around to strange places? Then when this thing with Strange and Dead Girl is over, they’ll find a spot in Heaven and stay together. Just she and he? No, Guy, Edie replies, breaking into tears. She can’t commit to one man like that. Not when it’s eternity. With that, Edie stands and walks back, leaving Guy alone and still sitting on the floor.
A moment later, the head of the Phantom Rider’s horse appears over the top of the cubicle. Unseen but heard, the Rider tells his horse to keep looking at the horizon. Tell him if’n she sees any changes. Hearing this, Guy stands and leans over the edge of the cubicle. He asks the Rider to whom is the Rider talking. When the Rider replies his horse, Guy pets the horses head and asks the Phantom Rider to tell him… if his horse stops loving him the way she used to… how do you make her love you again? Considering this, the Rider remarks that it’s a tough one. However, a moment later, he pushes his Stetson hat backward and replies that maybe you gotta be more like the man your horse used to love.
Some distance away, Strange and Dead Girl watch as Mockingbird and Gwen Stacy pour through filing cabinets of file folders. Take a deep breath, Dead Girl encourages them. She knows how exhausting it is spending time with the bureaucrats. Asked by Strange if she located the abode of the Pitiful One, Dead Girl replies that they’re tired. Probably had to deal with a Hell load of mind-numbingly pointless red tape.
Interjecting, Piano Player suggests that a song might perk them up. Maybe a Rod Stewart timeless classic! Before either Strange or Dead Girl can reply, both visibly horrified at the thought, Ant-Man tells Piano Player that, if he does, he’ll shrink down and snap his wires. Ant-Man then turns his attention to the carpet and remarks that it’s not bureaucratic red tape that tired out the dead sisters. It’s the debilitating effect of millions of bugs. He doesn’t want to cause alarm… but this place is home to all the filthy, scummy lice of the underverse…
Back in the land of the living, specifically in the Hotel Simons in the Lower East Side, the Pitiful One and Ancient One arrive in their room, dragging along the unconscious, floating form of Doctor Strange and the tortured and half-naked Wong. Irritated as they enter, the Ancient One once again instructs the Pitiful One to be careful. To this, the Pitiful One asks back what does it matter if they bruise him? Soon as he de-hexes the body, they’ll be hurting it some more. The Pitiful One then kicks Wong further into the room, instructing him to stay right there.
Though safely in the room, the Ancient One remains troubled and points out to the Pitiful One that the man at the front desk looked at them suspiciously. Does he think he’ll call the police? Mocking in his reply, the Pitiful tells his ancient partner that he might be a venerable master of the mystic ways but he doesn’t know nothing about the real world. Any hotel that charges by the hourdon’t care what goes on in the room.
Suddenly, the Pitiful One realizes that his conversation with the Ancient One has distracted him, allowing Wong to silently open a window and is already halfway through it.
Back in the cubicles of the bureaucrats of Hell, a visibly exhausted Gwen Stacy reports her findings. She instructs them to go down the stinking oesophagus of Cerebus to the indecent maw, then ask for hotel self-loathing. Room number thirteen…
Turning to Strange, Dead Girl tells him that she knows the Hotel Self-Loathing. It’s a chain. They’re opening up all over. Every room numbered thirteen. Perfect address for a bozo who’d call himself the Pitiful One.
At the Hotel Simons, the Pitiful One steps out of the window and onto the fire escape. Calling to Wong, who is already halfway up the steps to the next level, he promises that he’s going to drag him all the way to Hell… and back! With that, the Pitiful One grabs Wong by the leg, but Wong responds with a swift kick from the other, knocking the Pitiful One off of the fire escape entirely. Yelling as he falls to the street below, the Pitiful One lands along a metal fence, impaled by the spikes at the top.
For a moment, the Pitiful One is inert but soon opens his eyes. Calling up the Ancient One, who looks down from the fire escape landing from which he had just fell, the Pitiful One tells the Ancient One to look at him. Story of his life. Did he ever tell him about when he was fighting Thor and he slipped on a banana skin? A number of times, yes, the Ancient One replies. Changing the subject, the Ancient One states that he’s broken through two psychic membranes of the shield of seraphim. Soon, Strange’s body will be exposed.
He then asks the Pitiful One if he would like some help off of there, to which the Pitiful One replies in the negative. He thinks he’ll slip back to Hell. Make sure Kraven the Hunter hasn’t picked a fight with Satan. All he has to do is… concentrate on some really degenerate episode of his past… and his lifeforce… takes the down train. With that, the Pitiful One’s body discorporates and disappears.
In their chamber of the Hotel Self-Loathing, Kraven grits to the Anarchist that he will tell the Pitiful One. Go ahead, Tike replies. He doesn’t care. No fighting, kid, the Pitiful One states as he appears out of thin air. They should all be singing from the same tombstone. Undeterred, Kraven explains that he arrived to find Anarchist and Miss America cavorting, not guarding the mystic mud. Asked if this is true, the Tike replies that it’s none of his business. He wants to cavort, he cavorts. Incensed, the Pitiful One backhands Tike, knocking him off of his feet. Not when he’s working for him, he yells. If you want a chance of being alive again, the Anarchist plays by his rules.
Though recovered, the Anarchist declines to stand up, instead trying to prevent the rage of his instinctive reply to being slapped. Touching his shoulder, Miss America persuades him to bottle it up, rather than respond. However, just as it seems she has succeeded, Tike goes into a spasm. Miss America tells the other two that Tike must have had a really evil thought ! He’s slipping down into a private Hell! Still convulsing, the Anarchist repeats the same word over and over again. “Dirty. Dirty. Dirty.”
In an upper level of Hell, Doctor Strange and his group stand at the edge of an immensely wide and incredibly deep shaft. Peering down into it, Strange states that it looks so dirty. And smells fouler than Oshtur’s infamous flatulence. Peering over as well, Dead Girl explains that it’s called the stinking oesophagus of Cerebus. “What did you expect, Stephen? The perfumed garden?”
Glancing over to her, Strange notes to Dead Girl that she called him Stephen. Asked if that’s not his name, Strange confirm but adds that he’s at a disadvantage. He only knows her as Dead Girl. What’s her real name? Who was she before she was… dead? Smiling uncomfortably, Dead Girl apologizes but she’s just not ready to talk about that. Grinning slightly, Strange rejoins that he could weave an ancient spell that would make her talk. Do that, she replies, crossing her arms, and they wouldn’t be friends any more.
Irritated by the exchange, Edie interrupts and asks if they are going down this thing or not? In short order, the entire group begins to make their way down the shaft. When Strange asks her if she can’t simply teleport them down to Hotel Self-Loathing, Edie replies that it’s too dangerous. This is deep Hell. If she tries teleporting any lower it’s impossible to know where their molecules might reassemble. They could end up right in the Devil’s lap. Considering it, Strange asks if there is such a thing as the Devil, to which Dead Girl replies that there are a lot of devils. Whether there’s the Devil is a matter of theology and semantics.
Within Tike’s mind, he is once again a child, washing his hands in a wood bucket. “Dirt, dirty, my hands a-are so dirty…” he mutters to himself. Lifting his hands out of the bucket of suds, young Tike gazes upon his hands, which are now so scrubbed that skin has and flesh has been removed, revealing muscle on some fingers, while others are worn to the bone.
Back in the “reality” of Hell, the Pitiful One is irate. Doctor Strange and his crew could arrive any minute and Tike chooses to go into private Hell. Even angrier than he, Miss America replies that he didn’t choose this. Look at him, he’s suffering. Crouching a short distance away, Tike grits his teeth, muttering that he must get… c-clean. Clean g-good… dirty… bad… Driven to greater levels of anger, the Pitiful One begins to shake Tike, stating that his whole life as a super-villain has been about suffering. Wake up! Snap out of it!
Yelling no, Miss America tells the Pitiful One that waking him too suddenly might traumatize him. He’s traumatized, the Pitiful One replies, pointing to himself with his thumb. Did he ever tell her about the time Daredevil gave him a triple hernia? Yes, Miss America replies, as a matter of fact.
Meanwhile, in the shaft of the oesophagus of Cerebus, Doctor Strange asks the others if they heard that scream. That awful, blood-chilling… The farthest down the shaft, Dead Girl replies that she can hear a lot of screams. Groans, too. It’s like the waiting room of a particularly sadistic dental practice. In fact, she…
Suddenly, Dead Girl trails as she realizes that there is a problem. A rock on which she has placed her weight comes loose and, a moment later, Dead Girl find herself falling down the shaft. Strange begins to leap after her but is held back by the Piano Player, who tells Strange that he’s got to stay with them. Strange begins to protest but Ant-Man replies that, for once, Piano Player is right. He press-ganged them into this escapade, made it sound like a matter of life and death. He can’t abandon it for the sake of one girl.
Resolute, Strange replies that there was a time not so long ago he would have agreed with him… and then leaps away, freefalling down the shaft after Dead Girl. Watching helplessly, Ant-Man tells the others that that’s it then, he guesses. He then tells U-Go Girl to get them out of there. Mission abandoned. However, before anyone can reply, Guy interjects, instructing Edie to stay. This team doesn’t know the meaning of the word “abandon.”
Incredulous, Ant-Man asks what team? They’re not X-Statix and he’s not their leader. If Edie won’t teleport them upstairs, he then adds, they’ll have to walk. However, before Ant-Man can walk far, Guy punches him in the back of his helmet. Cracking his knuckles, Guy states that no one’s walking anywhere. Agape at what Guy has just done, Edie’s dropped jaw transforms into a beaming smile. “Magnificent,” she proclaims.
At an increasing distance below, Doctor Strange spies his quarry – the falling Dead Girl. With a gesticulation and an invocation of the ring of Vishanti, Strange ensnares the form of Dead Girl in multi-colored threads and uses them to pull the two together and to a complete stop.
In Chinatown in the real world, Wong kneels in small room, surrounded by candles. Before him stands a very young girl, whose demeanor is years beyond her age. Pleadingly, he tells her that she must help him. Use her arcane powers to send a message from this world to the dark plane of the afterlife… warn his master. Tell him what the Ancient One is doing with his mortal body…
Meanwhile, back in the oesophagus’ shaft, Strange and Dead Girl have returned to the point from which Dead Girl had fallen. When Strange notes that he wondered if they’d all still be there, Edie asks if he means he thought they’d run away as soon as he and Dead Girl were gone. To this, Strange asks for forgiveness. He clearly underestimated them. They might be dead… but they’re still heroes. A short distance away, Ant-Man clears his throat.
Suddenly, the booming voice of a young girl fills the air, announcing to Strange that she has a long-distance call… from the land of the living. A moment later, the image of both the girl and Wong appear. Immediately, Wong warns Strange that the Ancient One and the Pitiful One forced him to take them to his mortal body. He then asks for forgiveness, proclaiming himself a worthless flea.
No, Strange replies, it is his own fault. The protective spell he gave Wong was something of a rush job. But is it really true about his old friend and mentor? When Wong confirms, Strange wonders how could someone so pure and good turn bad? Replying that he doesn’t know, Wong states that even now he’s trying to shatter the shield of seraphim that protects Strange. Maybe if he’d protected him with the shield of seraphim, they wouldn’t be in this mess.
Ignoring the latter statement, Strange tells Dead Girl that she heard, he must return to his mortal body immediately. They’ll have to continue without  him. Immediately, Dead Girl rushes to Strange’s side, telling him he doesn’t have to go. He can stay down there with her. Asked if she means let his earthly body die, Dead Girl offers a hoping grin. Being dead, she tells him, has its compensations.
Meanwhile, in the real world, the Ancient One announces that it is done! The shell of seraphim is broken!
Back in Hell, Doctor Strange is staggered and his hangs fly to his throat. As Dead Girl goes to stop him from falling, Strange states that it looks like the decision’s been taken out of his hands. He thinks the Ancient One just killed… him…
“Stephen!” Dead Girl yells as the rest of the group look on in horror.


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Dead a Long Time part five
At the Hotel Simons in New York, the Ancient One stands before the unconscious form of his former pupil, Doctor Strange, who floats horizontally above a bed, and gloats. His psychic fingers, he states, will burrow into Strange’s very heart, he proclaims. Unless he returns, he will destroy the house of his life force… giving his wandering sprit no home to return to. For as the gods die when the people cease to believe in them… so does a great magician perish… when he’s careless about where leaves his mortal body.
Meanwhile, in a lower of Hell, Dead Girl cradles the barely conscious Doctor Strange, telling him he’s breaking her heart. Don’t exaggerate, he replies. If anyone’s heart is hurting here it’s… Strange’s words trail as he cries out in pain. A moment later, it subsides and he returns to coherence. F-farewell, he haltingly tells Dead Girl, “whose first name I still do not know…” A moment later, Strange is gone, discorporating into thin air. “It’s Moonbeam…” she whispers. With that, Dead Girl’s demeanor changes and she stands, glancing back to the group with cold eyes. Her name’s Moonbeam. Well? What’s so funny about that?
Shrugging his shoulders, Guy tells the others that he’s right. So what if she’s got an absurdly inappropriate name? That’s no reason to stare at the poor girl. Smiling admiringly at him, Edie tells Guy that that was masterful. What he’s trying for, Guy continues, is… sensitive… but strong. It made her molecules tingle, Edie rejoins. She knows this wild little desert island in the sea of heavenly dreams they could ‘port to… Now the Doctor’s gone, this mission’s all but washed up, anyhow… When Guy rebuffs that he doesn’t think so, not now, Edie becomes confused. She thought that was what he wanted! She thought she was what he wanted!
It is, Guy counters, but he wants someone else too. “Dead Girl?” Edie asks. Him, her and Dead Girl? Okay, she can get her head around that. Taken aback, Guy explains that he wants himself. Being with her has made him remember who he used to be. A leader the old him wouldn’t walk away from this mission until it was done. For Pete’s sake, Smith, Edie mocks, why does he have to be so complex.
Back in the Hotel Simons, the Ancient One continues his spell, proclaiming that he summons Strange. He commands him to use his mystic skills to bestow the gift of life onto him… and some of his colleagues at present languishing in Hell.
So summoned, Doctor Strange’s previously inert form springs to life and in a moment is on his feet, his hands formed into position to cast a spell. You of all people, Strange tells the Ancient One, knows how life is to be bestowed to the dead – by the ghastly ceremony of Osiris… To this, the Ancient One explains that it is beyond what he can achieve in the twenty-four hours allotted to him by the Pitiful One’s clay… Instead, he will batter Strange into submission so he is a puppet of his will… they begin with something he picked up from dread Dormammu!
With that, the Ancient One casts a spell, firing a mystical blast from each hand at Strange. And this, Strange replies, casting a shield counter-spell, was inspired by one of their recent presidents… an occult barrier of mystic teflon from which all evil assaults slide!
The crisis passed, the two combatants size each other up, each waiting for the other to make the next move. How did he end up in Hell, Strange asks the Ancient One as they wait. He, who rescued him from despair when he thought his life was over. “I became evil,” Strange’s former master states. Casting a new spell which propels dozens of daggers at Strange, the Ancient One continues that it started with an obese fool breaking wind in an elevator. He left, leaving him twelve floors to go with his stink… so I created a tiny spell to give that lump of lard the worst case of hemorrhoids known to science.
“And for that… he went to Hell?” Strange asks, casting a spell with which his hands speedily deflects each dagger. Next time someone irritated him, the Ancient One continues, the spell was bigger. The next time, bigger still… Before he knew it… he was thoroughly rotten.
Across the sheet from the building Hotel Simmons, some street walkers watch the light show within. Interpreting it as a controlled demolition, one of them remarks that it’s ‘bout time they pulled that dump down.
Meanwhile, in Hotel Self-Loathing, Kraven the Hunter loudly demands to know from the Pitiful One what keeps the Ancient One. Instructing Kraven to relax, the Pitiful One states that he’s got to persuade Doctor Strange to break several laws of physics and resurrect them. That might take a little while. Sitting nearly, Mysterio interjects that the Ancient One looks kinda feeble. Is he sure he can handle a dude like Doctor Strange. He’s a tough old bird, the Pitiful One replies. And he’s master of all kinds of weird stuff.
Ignoring the conversation, Miss America tends to the Anarchist, who is still in his near catatonic state. Over and over, Tike mutters that he can’t get his hands clean. Addressing the others, Miss America tells them that she’s really worried about Tike. He’s been in his private Hell for ages. Do they think the hotel has a doctor? This is deep hell, the Pitiful One replies. The only doctors ‘round here are the ones who poisoned their patients. Her boyfriend’ll be fine. He’s not her boyfriend, Miss America corrects.
Inspired to a different train of thought, Kraven regards the flask of crème and notes that if they put a little more eau du profundis and take a trip to the land of the living, they can see what’s keeping them. Before he can reach the container, however, the Pitiful One intercedes. No one’s touching the eau du profundis he declares. And no one’s going anywhere. The Ancient One knows what he’s doing.
Elsewhere, the Ancient One and Doctor Strange are no longer in the Hotel Simons, now floating in a celestial void. Commenting on their location, the Ancient One notes that they seem to have shunted themselves into another dimension.
“Hemorrhoids?” Doctor Strange rejoins. “…did you say hemorrhoids.” Caught off guard, the Ancient One seems unable to offer a reply, which only confirms to Strange that his theory was correct. He fashioned a spell… to give a man hemorrhoids? Tell him, Ancient One, Strange commands. Still reeling from being caught, the Ancient One tells Stephen to calm down. Didn’t he teach him that a master of the mystic arts must remain chilled at all times? Growling a reply, Strange angrily casts another spell.
Meanwhile, in the afterlife, the ever horseback-mounted Phantom Rider tells Dead Girl if’n the sheriff’s done n’ gone, he doesn’t see why he should stay wit’ this durned posse. He stays, Dead Girl replies, because they’ve come this far and they’ve got to find the Pitiful One and his magic potion - for the doctor’s sake. Grinning slightly, Guy adds that if the Rider leaves now, won’t he feel like the most awful quitter?
Considering this for a moment, the Rider replies nope, he doesn’t reckon he will. Glancing off into the horizon, he marvels at the sunset, announcing it perfect. Entranced, he apologizes to “Moonbeam” but he always dreamed of riding off into the sunset. A moment later, the Phantom Rider is gone in a cloud of smoke. It’s not even a proper sunset! Dead Girl yells after him. This is Hell, you dummy! It’s a cruel illusion! The rest of the group is less enraged, however, with Guy and Ant-Man noting that the Rider can’t hear her or that he doesn’t want to hear her. The Piano Player, however, is more optimistic and notes that it says a lot for his indomitable frontier spirit that he can find happiness in this place. It says a lot for his stupidity, Ant-Man rejoins.
Ignoring the departure of the Rider, Moira excitedly asks Dead Girl if Moonbeam is really her name. Her parents were hippies from Berkley, Dead Girl explains. The Moira admiringly replies that she thinks it’s a “lovely wee name,” Dead Girl counters that she thinks it suck and asks that they keep it as “Dead Girl.”
With that, Dead Girl waves the others to follow her. Next stop, Hotel Self-Loathing. That’s where they said the Pitiful One is staying, right? However, Dead Girl stops a moment later when she realizes that none of her “dead girls” are following. Moira? Gwen? Mockingbird? Apologizing, Gwen explains that they’ve decided that they’ve been through enough already. They figure they’ve fulfilled their side of the bargain, Mockingbird adds. It’s been a grand adventure, Moira interjects, but they have a book club meeting tomorrow. Funny, Gwen chimes in, how they cling to terms like today and tomorrow, when days don’t really exist down there. Guess they’d go loopy if they didn’t.
Dorothy Parker is due to give a talk, Moira continues. They’re going to offer her honorary membership in the dead sisters’ club. Besides, Gwen adds with a lift of her eyebrows, there are no real men left down there. The decision seemingly made, the Piano Player generates his floating piano keyboard and announces that he thinks he’ll play a valedictory tune to mark the girls’ parting. Any requests? YEAH, Ant-Man and Dead Girl shout. SHUT UP!
Meanwhile, in the other dimension, the Ancient One finds his wrist bound by a mystical set of handcuffs. Visibly panicked, he tells Strange he admits it. He put a spell on him. He gave him the low pain that dares not speak its name! But… WHY? Strange demands. He had become so full of himself, the Ancient One continues. So high and mighty! He imagined an outbreak of hemorrhoids might cut him down to size.
“Wait!” Strange interjects. By the third armpit of Svaaar, he can see… see that this wasn’t just about cutting him down to size. The Ancient One had begun to despise him. He began to hate him. He hated his vigor. His power… but most of all he hated his youth.  Ashamed, the Ancient One replies that Strange is wise beyond his tender years. ‘Tis true – for a while his great age brought wisdom and knowledge, but then = a worm of envy entered him. A demon of resentment gnawed at his spirit. Until he became what Strange sees before him… a bitter twisted old man. With this, the Ancient One removes his towering hat, showing his wrinkled and visibly remorseful demeanor.
What will Strange do with him now, the Ancient One asks. He’s already dead so he can hardly kill him. Soon the powers of the eau du profundis that sent him there will weaken and he’ll go back to Hell. Strange confirms that the Ancient One is dead, but his spirit exists. He could invoke the terrible Babylonian curse of disintegration. The Ancient One taught him that himself. He could shatter his spirit so that its fragments scatter throughout the many dimensions. He will cease to be. Death beyond death. The ultimate oblivion. No return.  Ah, the Ancient One voices. The old Babylonian curse. He’d rather hoped Strange had forgotten that one. He is Doctor Strange, Stephen says. He forgets nothing.
Now panicked, the Ancient One begs Strange to listen. He knows what ails him. He is gripped by ennui, a feeling of pointlessness. He still has some power, some influence. Spare him… and he will lift his burden. He will make him normal. He could look at a woman like a regular red-blooded man again. Life, Stephen, not magic spells. Life… it can be his again. If he spares him.
With cold eyes that display none of the thoughts behind it, Doctor Strange readies a spell.
Elsewhere the remaining members of the group of heroes make their way down the disgusting hallway of the Hotel Self-Loathing. When someone wonders how the Doctor’s getting on, Guy suggests that maybe he’s forgotten all about them and they’re wasting their time there. Incredulous, Dead Girl mocks that Strange’d never forget about them. No way.
To this, the diminutive Ant-Man notes that it’s this carpet that needs a doctor. He doesn’t think it’s been cleaned in years. They’re talking infestation on an unimaginable scale! Through gritted teeth, the Piano Player crouches to Ant-Man’s level and asks if he can please shut up about bugs and germs? His insanity is starting the grate his keyboard? “Insanity?” Ant-Man counters. He’s completely sane. It’s everyone else that’s nuts! Glancing up to the others, the Piano Player grinds that that’s the time-honored refrain of the mentally eccentric!
Angered to action, Ant-Man responds by growing in size in such a way as to punch the Piano Player with a two-fisted uppercut. Bloodied, the Piano Player snarls that Ant-Man shouldn’t have done that. He’ll be sorry. “Oh?” Ant-Man asks. What’s he gonna do? Sing him unconscious? Serenade him to tears? Interjecting, Dead Girl calls Ant-Man by his name of Scott and tells him he’s right. He really shouldn’t have hit him. They’re supposed to be on the same side. But… but she heard him, Ant-Man counters, he said he was crazy. Mentally eccentric he called him. Seeing an odd facial expression on both Dead Girl and U-Go Girl, Ant-Man asks “what?” He then looks at Guy and asks why are they looking at each other like that? He doesn’t think he’s nuts too, does he?
Of course, they do, the Piano Player exclaims. Everyone does. As Edie tells the Piano Player to shut up, Dead Girl tells Ant-Man that it isn’t easy being dead. He’s not the first to… to suffer. But, Ant-Man continues, the bugs, the carpet bugs, they’re real ain’t they? They’re very real, Dead Girl tells him, and he’s doing a wonderful job with them. What she means, the Piano Player explains, is at least he’s messing around with bugs he’s not attacking people, like a lot of psychos do.
Guy begins to tell the Piano Player that that’s not nice, but halts in mid-sentence when the Piano Player begins to turn translucent and disappear. What’s happening to the Piano Player? He’s been promoted Dead Girl answers. The strange and mystical law of rebirth has means that even now the Piano Player is alive and well in the land of the living.
Incredulous at this news, the Ant-Man places his hands on his helmet. “The Piano Player? Promoted? How?” According to the doctor, Dead Girl explains, enough people in the land of the living must want to see him alive again. “And I’m still stuck down here?” Ant-Man wails. “Me! Ant-Man! I want to throw up.” Suddenly, Guy announces that he’s heard a noise at the end of the corridor. A terrible blood-chilling howl. Only one man he knows howls like that…
In a room down the hall, the Anarchist wails. AaOOooo!” Doing her best to calm him, Miss America calls Tike’s name and tells him to calm down! He’s just coming out of his Hell…  Still reeling, the Tike replies that that was intense! It certainly looked it, Miss America notes. Is he all right now?
Of course he’s all right, Guy states, his old team leader’s here. To the shock of the Pitiful One and his group, they look up to see Guy standing at the bottom of the flight of stairs, flanked by Ant-Man, Dead Girl and and U-Go Girl. Hullo, Tike, Guy says. Nice company he’s keeping these days.
Moving to action, the Pitiful One calls to Mysterio and Kraven, ordering them to take Ant-Man. Alicar and Madeleine can look after Sensitive. And what will he be doing. Mysterio demands, while they risk what’s left of their immortal souls? “I’ll handle the girls,” he replies. You think? Dead Girl asks incredulously. Deal with this creep, sister, Dead Girl tells her. She’ll help Guy with tike and Li’l miss stars and stripes.
“Tike!” Guy yells to his former teammate, who seems to be rushing to the attack. He’s come all this way to find him… he’s not going to fight him, is he? “Or me?” Dead Girl adds. “We almost had a thing going once, remember?”
Aided by momentum, Tike leaps upon Guy, knocking him down onto his back. As they struggle, Tike tells Dead Girl that there ain’t room in his po’ brain for all the honeys he almost had a “thing” with. The next moment, Guy manages to kick the Anarchist off of him and into Miss America, who asks Dead Girl if he’s always this full of himself. “Nearly always,” she replies. Maybe that’s why he ended up in Hell, buddy, Guy offers.
A short distance away, the Pitiful One reels as he sees Kraven and Mysterio disappear in a swirl of red matter. Explaining as he attacks, Ant-Man tells the Pitiful One that U-Go Girl is teleporting them outta there. Undefeated, however, the Pitiful One offers an elbow to Ant-Man’s chin. He’s too easy to squash, the Pitiful One tells him. Just like a bug.
Okay, Pitiful One, Dead Girl says, announcing her presence. Doctor Strange ain’t there to do this, so consider her the executrix of his will. Baby, the Pitiful One rejoins, he’s been humiliated by scarier heroes than she. Did he ever tell her about the time Spider-Man gave him a wedgie? “Pitiful,” Dead Girl replies. With that, she delivers a punch which goes through the Pitiful One, shattering a hole all of the way through his center mass. “AAKKK!” the Pitiful One groans. “Just… my… luck… I’m rotten!”
Slowly, the Pitiful One begins to fade away. As he does, the wrappings around his head come loose, revealing the face beneath. Whoa, Dead Girl voices. So that’s who he is. Who woulda thought! Agreeing, Guy replies that when he was a kid, he was really something…
What’s happenin’ to him? Tike asks as the last of the Pitiful One disappears. He’s getting’ relegated to an even lower level of Hell, Dead Girl explains. Now he’ll really have something to feel sorry for himself about.
At that moment, U-Go Girl returns via a portal, announcing that she doesn’t like ‘porting this deep in Hell but it was worth it to get rid of those two apes. Asked by Guy where did she take them, Edie replies that she’s not sure. But it was hot. Very, very hot.
Nearby, Dead Girl announces that she’s found the eau du profundis. Guess they can all go home and watch TV now. Turning to Tike and Miss America, Guy asks if they’re coming. Though looking at to Miss America, Tike asks Dead Girl what’d happen if he and Miss America started walking upstarts. Well, it’s not an exact science, she replies, and the gods of the underworld won’t look kindly on them teaming up with the Pitiful One…
But they saw the error of their ways, Miss America interjects. They didn’t fight them. Surely that must count for something. He hopes so, Tike smiles. Feels like he’s had enough Hell for two lifetimes. Me too, she rejoins. She means, she’s Miss America. She’s not even particularly bad. Except for her one naughty little secret. Keep walking uphill, Dead Girl tells them. With any luck, he’ll come to the stairway to heaven.
The mission’s completed Edie, Guy tells her. Now, what was she saying about a wild desert island?
Sorry, Mr. Smith, Edie replies, but he had his chance. Now he’s gonna have to wait a little longer. With that, U-Go Girl disappears in a swirling portal of her own creation. “Edie Sawyer,” Guy smiles. “Dead or alive… guess you’ll never change.”
Later, in his residence in Greenwich Village, Doctor Strange sits on his couch with Dead Girl reclining along its length, her legs laid across his lap. “Moonbeam?” he asks her. She spent most of her childhood trying to forget, Dead Girl explains. He thinks it becomes her, Strange rejoins.
Gesturing to the corked flash on a nearby table, Strange thanks Dead Girl again for bringing him the eau du profundis. He will rest more easily once he has consigned it to nothingness… Couldn’t they save just a tiny bit for themselves, she asks, referring to the green mark of the crème on her forehead. They could have the occasional weekend together. What does he say? Very tempting, Strange replies. But he thinks it’s best if they remember what they had together. Their lives take different paths… their destinies do not lie together… With that, Strange casts a spell and the flask is no more. Do not look so sad, Moonbeam, Strange tells her, leaning in close enough to caress her face. They’ll always have the stinking oesophagus of Cerebus.
Sometime later, Wong enters the room with a tray of tea, finding Doctor Strange having moved to the desk. Lady gone, master? Wong asks. Yes, Wong, Strange replies. The twenty-four hours that the eau du profundis allowed her expired… and she simply… disappeared before his eyes. Still. Je ne regretted rein. To this, Wong wonder if maybe… master regrets a little … not accepting the Ancient One’s offer? Life, not magic spells? His life is magic spells, he tells Wong. And he’s content with that.
Placing the tray on the desk, Wong eyes the glass vial resting on his master’s desk. Within the vial, a purple smoke swirls. The Ancient One…, Wong voices. All of him inside that bottle? His eternal spirit, yes Strange confirms. And it’ll remain there until he decides what to do with thim. And how are master’s hemorrhoids today? Wong then asks. “Hemorrhoids, Wong?” Strange asks back, reclining in his chair, his hands clasped behind his head. “They’re already a distant memory…”