ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
231,001	I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest. [deleted]
231,002	What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose
231,003	What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization.
231,004	A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."
231,005	"Blow me." -Soup.
231,006	When I was little, my uncle gave me a warning about anal sex... He said, "this is going to hurt a bit."
231,007	Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well balanced meal.
231,008	Why is a great tune like great unprotected sex? The malady lingers on long after it's over ...
231,009	I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
231,010	Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells.
231,011	I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help her check her balance So I pushed her.
231,012	How did the blind man pass the eye exam? He just kept walking
231,013	ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go? GF: not until u put on something less hideous TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
231,014	you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed
231,015	What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew
231,016	Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
231,017	I could tell you a rape joke But it would sound forced
231,018	Starbucks can't be racist. Almost every drink they serve is black or mixed.
231,019	Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you.
231,020	When the female lead of Pirates of the Caribbean visits Japan... Do you think she has a Kirin nightly?
231,021	A doe runs out of the forest and says "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
231,022	A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people why did he make them out of meat?
231,023	Why shouldn't Donald Trump take Viagra as President? Instead of Melania, he will try to f*** every Juan.
231,024	What did the apple tell the annoying orange? Citrus down.
231,025	At some point during texting, a text is sent that means: "This is the end of the conversation. I'm gonna do something interesting now."
231,026	Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.
231,027	There are two types of people in the world... 1. People who are bad with lists.
231,028	What kind of phone does a molester have? the iTouch. ( lame but I made it up in class when I was like 15 lmfao)
231,029	A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.
231,030	I combined National Pancake Day with International Women's Day Took my wife to IHOP and ordered a stack of pancakes for myself, and 8/10ths of a stack for her.
231,031	Misleading title Bad punchline
231,032	You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
231,033	I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.
231,034	When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".
231,035	If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
231,036	All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.
231,037	How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
231,038	How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? (None, they just beat the room for being black)
231,039	How do you greet a racist murderer? Good morning officer .
231,040	What did the gay deer say after leaving the bar? I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!
231,041	[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that
231,042	What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet? A magnet only has two Poles.
231,043	I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime.
231,044	Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
231,045	I know many chemistry jokes... But im afraid they wont get a good reaction.
231,046	Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? A: Neither have they!
231,047	What gives you uncontrollable gas? Nazis
231,048	A guy's ego.
231,049	What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all
231,050	I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.
231,051	Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes? Caitlyn Jenner, because she's a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet.
231,052	If I mess up at the beginning of a video game I just start over. This rule applies to life too. Used wrong exit on Fwy, calling it a day...
231,053	My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
231,054	Driver " I'm very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver " said the friend to the old man. " oh, don't worry, I can drive "
231,055	How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
231,056	You know what's messed up to find at the bottom of a jar of mayonnaise? A condom. haha
231,057	I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful.
231,058	A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"
231,059	Jew joke What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? They don't scream when you put them in a oven!
231,060	What do you call a speeding vegetable? Michael Schumacher.
231,061	A boy goes into a stripclub... When he comes home, his mom asks him: "Son, did you see anything you aren't supposed to see there?" The son replies, "Ya, I saw dad."
231,062	Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus
231,063	I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
231,064	Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I banged her.
231,065	What will be served at Trump's inagural dinner? Crackers.
231,066	What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common? Bad blood.
231,067	What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A sandyhook survivor. ....
231,068	Imagine a masonry wall... Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block.
231,069	eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
231,070	The 3 tragedies. The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't.
231,071	What are the two best arguments against democracy? Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton
231,072	I told my girlfriend to apply for a job at the pet store 'cause she really knows how to handle a cock 'r two
231,073	I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...well, it was just collecting dust:).
231,074	What did the horse say when he regained his vision? Merci.
231,075	I've written a book about reverse psychology Please don't buy it.
231,076	It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
231,077	Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
231,078	Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there.
231,079	Raheem is a Pakistani orphan boy who has to walk 5 miles to reach his school.. but with your help of a few pennies a month..we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run.
231,080	So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
231,081	What's an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, just down under.
231,082	I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
231,083	A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash. A saleswoman asks "May I help you, sir?" "Nah, just looking around."
231,084	Why did the sperm cross the road? Because it was my first wank in a week
231,085	The door is not ajar. It's a door, silly!
231,086	The world has become so politically correct these days... ...that you can't say black paint anymore... You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
231,087	What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants? "Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"
231,088	Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.
231,089	Why couldn't Hitler change a lightbulb? It was just out of his reich.
231,090	Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?
231,091	Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.
231,092	Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: sobbing Your brother is an architect.
231,093	Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok? He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger. ~ Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok? It was a Thai.
231,094	What is Germany's favorite game? Mein Kampf
231,095	What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.
231,096	ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
231,097	What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth.
231,098	How are children like eggs? They both taste better after you beat them.
231,099	Whiteboards are just the best In fact, they're remarkable
231,100	she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

231,001

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest. [deleted]

231,002

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose

231,003

What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization.

231,004

A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

231,005

"Blow me." -Soup.

231,006

When I was little, my uncle gave me a warning about anal sex... He said, "this is going to hurt a bit."

231,007

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well balanced meal.

231,008

Why is a great tune like great unprotected sex? The malady lingers on long after it's over ...

231,009

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

231,010

Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells.

231,011

I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help her check her balance So I pushed her.

231,012

How did the blind man pass the eye exam? He just kept walking

231,013

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go? GF: not until u put on something less hideous TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

231,014

you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed

231,015

What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew

231,016

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

231,017

I could tell you a rape joke But it would sound forced

231,018

Starbucks can't be racist. Almost every drink they serve is black or mixed.

231,019

Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you.

231,020

When the female lead of Pirates of the Caribbean visits Japan... Do you think she has a Kirin nightly?

231,021

A doe runs out of the forest and says "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."

231,022

A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people why did he make them out of meat?

231,023

Why shouldn't Donald Trump take Viagra as President? Instead of Melania, he will try to f*** every Juan.

231,024

What did the apple tell the annoying orange? Citrus down.

231,025

At some point during texting, a text is sent that means: "This is the end of the conversation. I'm gonna do something interesting now."

231,026

Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.

231,027

There are two types of people in the world... 1. People who are bad with lists.

231,028

What kind of phone does a molester have? the iTouch. ( lame but I made it up in class when I was like 15 lmfao)

231,029

A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.

231,030

I combined National Pancake Day with International Women's Day Took my wife to IHOP and ordered a stack of pancakes for myself, and 8/10ths of a stack for her.

231,031

Misleading title Bad punchline

231,032

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

231,033

I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

231,034

When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".

231,035

If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

231,036

All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.

231,037

How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

231,038

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? (None, they just beat the room for being black)

231,039

How do you greet a racist murderer? Good morning officer .

231,040

What did the gay deer say after leaving the bar? I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!

231,041

[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that

231,042

What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet? A magnet only has two Poles.

231,043

I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime.

231,044

Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

231,045

I know many chemistry jokes... But im afraid they wont get a good reaction.

231,046

Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? A: Neither have they!

231,047

What gives you uncontrollable gas? Nazis

231,048

A guy's ego.

231,049

What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all

231,050

I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.

231,051

Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes? Caitlyn Jenner, because she's a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet.

231,052

If I mess up at the beginning of a video game I just start over. This rule applies to life too. Used wrong exit on Fwy, calling it a day...

231,053

My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.

231,054

Driver " I'm very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver " said the friend to the old man. " oh, don't worry, I can drive "

231,055

How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

231,056

You know what's messed up to find at the bottom of a jar of mayonnaise? A condom. haha

231,057

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful.

231,058

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

231,059

Jew joke What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? They don't scream when you put them in a oven!

231,060

What do you call a speeding vegetable? Michael Schumacher.

231,061

A boy goes into a stripclub... When he comes home, his mom asks him: "Son, did you see anything you aren't supposed to see there?" The son replies, "Ya, I saw dad."

231,062

Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus

231,063

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

231,064

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I banged her.

231,065

What will be served at Trump's inagural dinner? Crackers.

231,066

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common? Bad blood.

231,067

What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A sandyhook survivor. ....

231,068

Imagine a masonry wall... Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block.

231,069

eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

231,070

The 3 tragedies. The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't.

231,071

What are the two best arguments against democracy? Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton

231,072

I told my girlfriend to apply for a job at the pet store 'cause she really knows how to handle a cock 'r two

231,073

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...well, it was just collecting dust:).

231,074

What did the horse say when he regained his vision? Merci.

231,075

I've written a book about reverse psychology Please don't buy it.

231,076

It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

231,077

Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.

231,078

Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there.

231,079

Raheem is a Pakistani orphan boy who has to walk 5 miles to reach his school.. but with your help of a few pennies a month..we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run.

231,080

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

231,081

What's an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, just down under.

231,082

I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.

231,083

A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash. A saleswoman asks "May I help you, sir?" "Nah, just looking around."

231,084

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because it was my first wank in a week

231,085

The door is not ajar. It's a door, silly!

231,086

The world has become so politically correct these days... ...that you can't say black paint anymore... You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."

231,087

What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants? "Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"

231,088

Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.

231,089

Why couldn't Hitler change a lightbulb? It was just out of his reich.

231,090

Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?

231,091

Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.

231,092

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

231,093

Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok? He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger. ~ Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok? It was a Thai.

231,094

What is Germany's favorite game? Mein Kampf

231,095

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.

231,096

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

231,097

What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth.

231,098

How are children like eggs? They both taste better after you beat them.

231,099

Whiteboards are just the best In fact, they're remarkable

231,100

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay